New Year's
by SecretLifeOfAChemNerd
Summary: God knows how they had talked Bitters into letting them throw a New Year's Eve party in the lobby, but they had, and everyone was inside enjoying the celebration, everyone but Kendall Knight. Kogan Angst.


**I know, creative title right? *dies* So I wrote this in October, and was like "Why the fuck did I just write a fic about New Years?" I still don't know the answer to that, but it did, however, yield this story. So I now give you all wishes for the New Year! YAY! And as I have said before, there is simply not enough Kendall angst for my liking! That being said, sorry if this is depressing, but ya know, that's kinda how I operate. REVIEWS ARE LIKE COOKIES AND HOT CHOCOLATE! They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! =D**

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Lights flashed and music blared from the lobby of the Palm Woods. They had somehow managed to talk Bitters into letting them throw a New Years Party, and everyone was inside, enjoying the celebration– everyone except Kendall Knight.

Though it wasn't Minnesota by any means, the chilly night air nipped at his skin, causing shivers to run down his spine and goose bumps to erupt over his arms.

He wasn't in the mood to celebrate. Wasn't in the mood to do anything but sit on a lounge chair, stare up at the stars shining through the smog and wallow in self-misery.

Under normal circumstances Kendall didn't advocate feeling sorry for himself, but tonight he couldn't fight it, couldn't hold back the flood of emotion threatening to spill over at any second. Because HE was here, and Kendall absolutely and completely fucking hated him.

Kendall should have known he would be coming. Logan was here, and wherever Logan was, you could expect to find HIM not too far behind. It made Kendall sick the way HE would wrap his arms around Logan's waist and kiss his cheek, because Logan was Kendall's, and seeing someone else touch the boy he loved killed him. It hurt even worse to think that Logan wanted to be touched like that by HIM. It hurt that Logan would never know the entirety of Kendall's feelings. It hurt that Kendall would never be able to hold Logan like that.

As far back as Kendall could remember Logan had always been different to him, special somehow. It wasn't the same thing he felt for James or Carlos. Sure, he loved them like they were his brothers, but he had a certain possessiveness with Logan that was definitely not brotherly. It wasn't the same thing he felt for Katie either, and for the longest time he struggled, trying to find a word that fit his feelings for the small brunette.

It wasn't until they were sixteen and living in Los Angeles that he finally found it.

Love. The unidentifiable, overpowering emotion he had tried to put a name to was love. And it fucking scared the shit out of him.

He could not be in love with his best friend. It was absolutely impossible because Logan was a guy, and he didn't like guys. He liked girls! So he did what any teenage boy would do when confronted with weird and confusing feelings with their best friend... fight them tooth and nail.

Jo was nothing more than a distraction, and Kendall hated doing that to her, but he was desperate. He hated himself for not falling for her, hated himself for faking interest. Kendall didn't even know if he was completely gay or not, because he couldn't even look at anyone besides Logan. The smaller boy consumed him, lingering in his mind with every thought and moment. He had it bad.

When Logan came out to them, Kendall thought his heart was literally about to burst, because he had a shot! But the hope was short lived when Logan introduced them to his boyfriend, the new guy who had just moved into the Palm Woods. The fleeting happiness Kendall had crashed and burned when he saw the shy smile Logan adopted whenever HE was mentioned.

Despite the obstacles Kendall still had hope that they would break up and he would get to show Logan who he really belonged to, who he was really meant to be with.

But two years had passed and Logan was still with HIM. Still hopelessly unattainable. Still making Kendall's heart beat out of his chest whenever he was around.

And that was what he was avoiding now. He couldn't sit and watch the boy he cared about more than anything in the world be loved by someone else. It was absolute torture.

Kendall shifted in his seat as a gust of chilly wind brushed past, causing him to shiver and pull his jacket closer to his body.

He didn't indulge wishing, much like he didn't approve feeling sorry for himself. If you wanted something done you had to work for it, not sit around hoping it would happen, but again, tonight he was making an exception.

He couldn't destroy Logan's first serious relationship. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself for the heartbroken expression that would pass Logan's features. He loved him enough to let him keep his happiness.

"Hey Kendall?" A soft voice drifted through the air and Kendall turned around to see his friend, James, standing with a worried expression on his face, a drink in hand. :"You ok?" One look at Kendall's face and he knew the answer.

"Yeah, I'm fine." His voice was scratchy and James shook his head.

"You're not ok." They had never had a conversation stating that Kendall was head over heels for Logan, James just knew. He really couldn't see how everyone didn't know. It was pretty obvious with the way Kendall looked at Logan and how he became upset whenever Logan's boyfriend was mentioned. It would have been adorable is it wasn't so tragic.

"It's just . . . hard to see them together."

James sighed, taking the seat next to Kendall and patting his back, trying to offer a small source of comfort. "I know man, It can't be easy."

Silence settled over the boys as Kendall stared at his folded hands, breathing steadily, getting th raging emotions under control. He couldn't return to the party like this, couldn't see them together when his heart felt raw, fresh blood oozing out of the wounds.

"You should tell him, ya know?" Kendall's head snapped up at James' words to give him the 'you're fucking crazy' look.. "I"m not crazy Kendall. I can tell. He wants you more than you think."

"He doesn't." Kendall knew James was wrong. There was absolutely no way Logan felt the same about him. "He doesn't want me, he wants HIM." He gestured towards the Palm Woods lazily, looking up at the stars, blinking back the emotion in his voice.

"Trust me, if you told Logan tonight he would drop him in a second to be with you." When Kendall didn't respond, James took a deep breath and continued. "Kendall . . . you think you have all the time in the world, but if you don't hurry up your chance will be gone."

"We're eighteen James, it's not like were old enough for anything really serious to happen."

James sighed, Kendall could be really stubborn when he wanted to. "For your sake, I hope you're right, but Kendall," his voice turned pleading,. He was sick of seeing his two best friends so in love with each other and doing nothing about it. "You really should tell him. Please! I hate seeing you guys like this."

Kendall remained silent, getting up from the chair and looking dreadfully towards the party, before shifting his gaze back to James, indecision written all over his face. "I'll try." James nodded, and followed Kendall back to the party, eyes scanning the crowd for Logan.

Like always, when Kendall's eyes landed on the brunette his heart leaped out of his chest, and what was even better was the fact hat HE wasn't there. Logan caught sight of them and hurried over, smiling brightly. James gave the blonde and encouraging look before heading in the opposite direction to find Carlos.

When Logan arrived at Kendall's side he was beaming, looking happy as anyone could be. "Hey!" he sais, shouting slightly to be heard over the music.

Kendall couldn't help the smile that broke onto his face. Logan was just too adorable to resist. "Hey." he replied breathily, nerves suddenly taking over his body, which didn't make any sense. He was Kendall fucking Knight, he didn't back down from anything. He was the guy that charges head first into situations without thinking them through. It seemed Logan was the only exception to that. Kendall couldn't help but over think every situation that involved him and the brains of Big Time Rush. "What's up?"

"Ya know, just dancing, having a good time. The ususal." Kendall chuckled nervously and Logan's brow knitted together in worry. "You ok? You seem nervous."

Logan's brown eyes were deep with worry and it took all of Kendal's self-control not to jump him right then and there in front of all these people. "I just...need to tell you something, but it's...a little complicated."

"Kendall you know you can tell me anything." Logan smiled reassuringly and Kendall felt a sudden hope flood his system. Every day he would tell himself there was no way Logan ever felt anything for him, but why the hell not? Maybe he had been looking at everything wrong. Maybe that looking in Logan's eyes was laced with affection instead of purely platonic feelings. Maybe there was hope

"Logan I-"

"Hey Logan!" Their attention shifted to the front of the room where HE was, smiling like an idiot, but also looking a bit nervous, but nothing compared to what Kendall had been feeling moments ago. "Come over here! I need to ask you something."

Logan tuned back to Kendall and smiled apologetically. "Sorry man, We'll talk later ok?"

Kendall nodded, cursing HIM for stealing his moment, but this wasn't over yet. Logan smiled, still concerned for his best friend and walked over to where HE was. God Kendall hated him.

Cheers were just starting to erupt as the time ticked closer to midnight; the final minutes coming closer. "Can I have everyone's attention for a second?" The music was lowered and Kendall's eyes narrowed as HE spoke, dread pooling in his stomach for an unknown reason. He really didn't have a good feeling about this. HE had a tight grasp on Logan's hand, who looked as confused as Kendall felt.

"Logan, I know that we're still really young and that we have our whole lives ahead of us, but I know what I want and that's you."

_Thirty._

HE lowered himself on one knee and Kendall's heart dropped, his chest tightening painfully, eyes blown wide in shock. _This isn't happening_ he thought as HE started talking again. "I love you Logan, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life."

_Twenty._

Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a velvet case and opened it, looking up at Logan with unadulterated love on his face. "Marry me?"

Kendall's attention, along with everyone else's, switched to Logan, who look to shocked to say anything, the expression on his face was unmistakably happy as a tear slowly rolled down his cheek.

_Ten._

"Yes." Logan nodded, throwing his arms around the boy kneeling in front of him.

_Nine._

The crowd was cheering, celebrating the newly engaged couple and counting down the seconds until the New Year arrived.

_Eight._

This couldn't be happening. Kendall felt tears stinging his eyes as uncontrollable waves of emotion lapped at his heart, his lungs.

_Seven._

He couldn't breath. Air was coming into his lungs in sharp gasp when he felt a hand drop onto his back, rubbing circles as the other kept him from falling forward.

_Six._

"Breath Kendall!" James pleaded as panic overtook Kendall's body, causing him to shake violently.

_Five._

Not able to think of anything else, James thumped Kendall on the back, causing the blonde boy to inhale sharply.

_Four._

This couldn't be happening, not when he was so close to revealing his feelings, not when there was so much on the line.

James was right...he had waited to long.

_Three._

"Come on Kendall, you don't need to see this."

_Two._

James had to practically drag Kendall from the room. His eyes were still locked on Logan in a sort of tragic denial.

_One._

Despite James' haste, he wasn't fast enough. HE brought his hands to Logan's face and leaned in, fusing their lips together in a sickly sweet way that made Kendall's heart shatter as he allowed tears to fall for the first time in eight years.

_Happy Fucking New Year._

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**Yeah... I don't know. It just came out of me and I stopped trying to fight it a LONG time ago. Also, sorry if there are any typos or anything of that nature. I know I should check this over for them, but I had two practices today and my arms and legs feel like they are going to fall off... God I hate pace sets. ANYWAYS! Please review because they're like crack. LOVE YOU GUYS! And I hope you all have wonderful New Years that are better than Kendall's! =D**_  
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